Forgiveness is one of the most commonly preached messages in church. In many sermons, believers are reminded that forgiveness is powerful, necessary, and part of following Jesus Christ. I believe forgiveness is beautiful and meaningful. But over time I’ve also noticed something that deserves honest conversation: sometimes the way forgiveness is preached lacks compassion, discernment, and understanding of real human experiences.

In many churches, especially in some Black church spaces, forgiveness is preached very loudly and frequently. Yet I’ve noticed that the pressure to forgive often seems directed more toward women—especially Black women. There is often an assumption that if a woman expresses pain, anger, or boundaries, she must be “bitter.” That stereotype can be harmful.

The truth is, setting boundaries and processing pain does not equal bitterness.

Another concern I’ve seen is the practice of asking people to publicly come to the altar and confess who they need to forgive. While confession can be meaningful, being pressured to publicly admit personal struggles can sometimes feel humiliating. Just as people often confess their sins privately to God, forgiveness can also be something deeply personal. Healing should not be forced into a public performance.

Forgiveness itself is a choice. It is not something that can be forced through pressure, fear, or embarrassment.

Sometimes messages about forgiveness are preached in a fear-based way. People are told things like “If you don’t forgive, God won’t forgive you,” or “Your blessings are blocked because you haven’t forgiven.” While forgiveness is important, we also have to remember that God’s love and grace are not based on perfect behavior. According to the Bible, it is the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that ultimately covers and redeems people—not our ability to do everything right.

That’s why it’s important to remember that forgiveness, while powerful, is not more powerful than God’s grace.

Another area where discernment is needed is prophecy in church. Spiritual encouragement can be meaningful, but not everyone who speaks over someone’s life is necessarily qualified to do so. The Bible itself encourages believers to test what they hear and use discernment. Spiritual authority should never remove a person’s responsibility to think carefully and seek wisdom.

One of the most concerning issues happens when churches speak about trauma without understanding it. In some cases, rape survivors are pressured to forgive their abuser quickly or publicly. Sometimes the focus shifts to whether the victim has forgiven rather than whether the offender is being held accountable.

That approach is deeply harmful.

Accountability matters. Justice matters. Healing matters.

Not every survivor feels the same emotions either. Some people assume that all survivors are angry or bitter toward their attacker, but trauma responses vary widely. In my own experience, bitterness was not my reaction. What I felt most was confusion. At the time, I even believed what happened to me was love.

That reality shows why speaking about sexual violence requires care and understanding. If someone has never experienced trauma like that and isn’t trained to help people through it, it’s important to approach the topic with humility rather than authority.

In my own book, I speak about how God brought me through my rape. My faith played a major role in my healing. But I also make something very clear: I was in therapy for a while.

Faith and therapy are not enemies. Trauma affects the mind, emotions, and body. Talking with a trained professional helped me process what happened in ways that spiritual encouragement alone could not. I believe God can work through many forms of help, including professional support.

For me, healing was not about pretending the pain never happened. It was about facing it honestly and rebuilding my life with both faith and wisdom.

Churches are meant to be places of healing, compassion, and truth. Forgiveness should be encouraged, but never forced. Survivors should be supported, not silenced. Spiritual guidance should come with humility and discernment. Another important truth is that healing happens in God’s timing. No one can rush the work of the Spirit. People sometimes push survivors to heal quickly or move on faster than they are ready. But real healing is not something that can be forced. It unfolds gradually, often in quiet and deeply personal ways. Grief isn’t a sin or evil either it’s a normal emotion that even Jesus faced, God meets us where we’re at, he allows us to grieve for a period as Bible says in book of Ecclesiastes that there’s a time for everything!

And most importantly, people should remember that God’s love is bigger than our struggles, our questions, and even our imperfect journeys toward healing. Ecclesiastes 3 New International Version

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.