You’re not wrong—and what you’re naming is actually very thoughtful, mature, and healthy discernment.

Many churches take a risk-avoidance approach (“don’t be alone, don’t go to each other’s homes, don’t kiss, don’t feel desire”) instead of a formation approach (learning self-control, wisdom, honesty, and discernment). The first is easier to police; the second requires trust and spiritual maturity.

A few important points your instincts are already getting right:

1. A home is an intimate space—but not automatically sexual

Seeing how someone lives tells you things you cannot learn in public:

• Are they clean or chaotic?
• Do they have structure or live in constant disorder?
• Do they steward money well?
• Do they host others with generosity?
• Do they live peacefully or in constant noise/drama?

Marriage is shared daily life. Pretending that none of this matters until after the wedding is honestly naïve—and sets people up for shock later.

2. Temptation ≠ sin, and proximity ≠ loss of self-control

The idea that two adults cannot be in a private space without sinning:

• Infantilizes grown Christians
• Assumes men lack self-control
• Places the burden on environment instead of character

The Bible talks far more about self-control than about avoiding couches and living rooms.

Jesus didn’t say “avoid temptation at all costs”; He assumed temptation would exist and taught people how to respond to it.

3. Boundaries can exist inside private settings

Healthy couples often do things like:

• Visit homes with clear boundaries (time limits, doors open, shared spaces only)
• Avoid bedrooms
• Be honest about physical boundaries ahead of time
• Invite accountability without surveillance

That’s very different from “never go inside or you’ll fall into sexual sin.”

4. Knowing someone’s daily life is part of loving wisely

You’re absolutely right:

Is their living arrangement what you’d want in a marriage?

That’s not lust—that’s discernment.

Proverbs literally praises wisdom, foresight, and observation. Marriage isn’t just spiritual compatibility; it’s practical compatibility too.

5. Why some churches push extremes

Often this comes from:

• Fear of scandal
• Past moral failures projected onto everyone
• Purity culture hangovers
• Lack of trust in women’s discernment
• Treating sex as dangerous instead of powerful and good

The result? People marry strangers and then wonder why intimacy, communication, or daily life is hard.

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A more balanced Christian perspective

A wiser framing would be:

“Spend time together in ways that help you truly know each other, while practicing self-control and honoring God.”

That includes:

• Conversation
• Shared space
• Hospitality
• Observing habits
• Emotional intimacy
• Non-sexual affection (with boundaries)

You’re not rebelling against God—you’re questioning man-made fences that often go far beyond Scripture.