- “He who finds a wife…” (Proverbs 18:22) describes a man finding a wife; it does not establish a universal rule that a woman must sit passively and wait for a man to discover her.
- Scripture doesn’t lay out a modern dating system where women are forbidden from initiating romantic interest, approaching a man, expressing attraction, or asking someone on a date.
- Dating isn’t the same thing as proposing marriage. A woman can be intentional during the dating process while still believing that the man should ultimately take responsibility for formally asking her to marry him.
- There are biblical examples of women exercising initiative. Ruth is a particularly interesting example: she didn’t simply sit around waiting for Boaz to magically notice her. She followed Naomi’s instructions and intentionally approached him (Ruth 3). The cultural context is different from modern dating, but it certainly complicates the idea that biblical femininity requires complete passivity.
- Proverbs 31 also portrays a woman as active, capable, decisive, and industrious—not someone whose entire life is spent waiting for a man to make every move.
“if a woman shows interest, she’ll turn a good man off” is not a biblical principle.That’s more of a cultural dating belief.
If a man genuinely likes a woman, her showing interest may actually be encouraging to him. He might think, “Oh, she likes me too!” and become even more interested. Of course, individual men have different preferences, and some may prefer to initiate everything. But that’s very different from claiming that women shouldn’t show interest because it inherently makes men lose attraction.
There’s also a difference between showing interest and chasing someone who repeatedly demonstrates disinterest. A woman can make her interest known, initiate conversation, suggest getting together, flirt, or even ask someone out without abandoning discernment or self-respect.
So I would frame it as:
A woman doesn’t have to be passive in dating to be feminine or biblical. She can participate actively in getting to know someone. The man can still be the one who ultimately chooses to pursue marriage and formally proposes.
And honestly, if a man’s attraction disappears simply because a woman smiled first, approached him first, or made it obvious that she liked him, that’s not evidence of a biblical dating rule. That’s simply his personal preference.
Also a woman can express her goals or expectations for a relationship such as wanting marriage; many women who are passive in dating and don’t express their desires end up not married or forever girlfriends
Expressing your intentions isn’t the same thing as chasing a man. A woman can be feminine, receptive, and still be very clear about what she wants.
For example, she can communicate:
- “I’m dating with the intention of marriage.”
- “I’m looking for a committed relationship, not something casual.”
- “I eventually want children.”
- “I don’t want to be in an indefinite relationship without a clear direction.”
- “Marriage is important to me.”
That’s actually useful because it gives the other person information needed to decide whether their goals are compatible.
If someone never communicates what she wants, she may spend years in a relationship assuming, “If he really loves me, he’ll eventually propose,” while the man may be perfectly comfortable maintaining the relationship as-is.
Of course, being direct doesn’t guarantee marriage. A man can know exactly what a woman wants and still decide he doesn’t want marriage with her. But that’s valuable information too—it allows her to make an informed decision rather than spending years hoping he’ll eventually change.
The healthier principle is probably:
Don’t manipulate, pressure, or force a relationship—but don’t hide your desires either.
A woman can actively participate in dating, express interest, communicate her standards and marriage intentions, and make decisions about whether a relationship is progressing. The man doesn’t have to be the only person with agency.
