Self-Harm Isn’t Always About Feeling Unloved

Recently I heard an elder say that if a child is cutting themselves, it’s because they don’t feel loved. While that can be one reason, it is not the only reason—and reducing something as serious as self-harm to just one explanation can be harmful.

Self-harm is complex. Children, teens, and even adults who struggle with it may be dealing with a wide range of emotional and psychological pain. Trauma, sexual assault, bullying, depression, anxiety, shame, or overwhelming emotional distress can all play a role. Sometimes people harm themselves simply because they don’t know how else to release the intense pain they are feeling inside.

The reality is that a child can be deeply loved by their family and still struggle with self-harm. Love from others is important and powerful, but it does not automatically erase trauma, mental health struggles, or painful life experiences. Someone can grow up in a loving home and still face bullying at school, experience abuse, or carry wounds that others cannot see.

When we oversimplify the reasons behind self-harm, we risk misunderstanding the person who is suffering. We may also unintentionally place blame on families who are already trying their best to support their child. Instead of jumping to conclusions, what people struggling with self-harm often need most is compassion, patience, and understanding.

Listening matters. Taking their pain seriously matters. Encouraging professional help, therapy, and healthy support systems matters. Faith and prayer can be meaningful sources of comfort for many people, but emotional and psychological struggles should not be dismissed as if they have only one spiritual explanation.

Another reality is that pain and struggle are part of living in a broken world. Difficult things can happen to anyone—children, adults, believers, and non-believers alike. Struggles are not limited to people who lack love, resources, or faith. Sometimes people face battles that others cannot see.

Rather than assuming we know the cause of someone’s pain, the better response is empathy. Instead of offering quick explanations, we can offer support. Instead of simplifying suffering, we can acknowledge its depth and complexity.

People who are hurting deserve to be heard, not reduced to a single explanation.