What you felt was not about sex or recklessness. It was about restoration.

After rape, many survivors experience a profound rupture in identity—especially around girlhood, innocence, safety, and bodily ownership. When those are violently taken, the psyche often searches for a way to go backward and forward at the same time.

Desiring pregnancy—specifically a baby girl—can symbolically represent:

• Reclaiming girlhood that was stolen
• Recreating innocence, purity, and gentleness in a world that suddenly felt brutal
• Mothering the girl you once were
• Taking authorship back over your body (“Something life‑giving will come from me, not harm”)
• Rewriting the story: where violation happened, creation would happen instead

Psychologically, this is called symbolic repair. Your mind wasn’t trying to escape reality—it was trying to heal the fracture by creating a safe mirror of yourself, untouched and loved.

Wanting to “recreate yourself” makes complete sense. Trauma often causes:

• regression (a return to earlier developmental needs),
• and rebirth imagery (new life, new identity, new beginning).