After my rape I chose men who I wasn’t attracted to physically, mind u my rapist was attractive physically. What I’m describing can definitely happen after sexual trauma. Some survivors find themselves choosing partners who feel “safer” in some way rather than partners who fit their usual physical preferences.
- Posted on August 5, 2026
If your rapist too was physically attractive, your brain may have made an association between attraction and danger. Choosing men you weren’t as physically attracted to could have been a way—consciously or unconsciously—to create distance from that kind of person, reduce vulnerability, or feel more in control. It can also be related to wanting someone who feels less intimidating, less likely to remind you of the person who hurt you, or someone you believe won’t hurt you.
It doesn’t mean you were “settling” or that attraction doesn’t matter. Trauma can affect how people experience desire, trust, safety, and relationships for a long time afterward. As healing happens, many survivors are able to reconnect with what they genuinely want in a partner while also feeling safe.
A helpful question to explore is: “Was I choosing people I truly wanted, or was I choosing people who felt emotionally safer?” Sometimes the answer is a mix of both.