After my rape, I found myself drawn to things like clubbing and online dating. On the surface, it could easily be labeled as “addictions” or unhealthy coping. But when I look deeper, I see something else entirely.

I was trying to survive.

Clubbing: Rebuilding Identity

Clubbing became a space where I could recreate myself.

If I dressed well enough, looked my best, and carried myself a certain way, I could receive attention, admiration, and validation. In that environment, I wasn’t defined by what happened to me—I was seen, desired, and noticed.

It was my way of saying:
“I still have value. I can choose how I’m seen.”

After having control taken from me, I was rebuilding identity on my own terms.

Online Dating: Creating Safety Through Control

Online dating gave me something I felt I lost—control.

I could choose who entered my space.
I could take my time.
I could walk away at any moment.

There was a barrier, a layer of protection that didn’t exist when I met my rapist in a “traditional” way.

Psychologically, I didn’t trust that traditional path anymore. And honestly—why would I? My mind was trying to protect me from ever experiencing that kind of harm again.

What Looked Like Addiction Was Protection

What others might label as “addictions” were actually:

• A need for control
• A need for safety
• A need to feel valued again
• A way to try to avoid repeating trauma

I wasn’t being reckless.

I was protecting myself the best way I knew how.

The Truth

Not every coping mechanism is meant to last forever—but that doesn’t make it wrong.

Sometimes, what looks unhealthy on the outside is actually a response to something deeply painful on the inside.

And sometimes, survival doesn’t look pretty—it looks like doing whatever you can to feel safe again.

Closing Reflection

I understand now that I wasn’t lost—I was adapting.

And there’s a difference.