A few years ago, I sat in a mostly Black church listening to a pastor speak about dating and “red flags.” On the surface, it sounded like standard relationship advice—until he brought up women who “dress half-naked” or post “half-naked pictures” online as a warning sign.

The room was filled with Black women.

In that moment, it didn’t feel like general guidance. It felt like another layer added to a stereotype we’ve been carrying for generations—the idea that Black women are naturally more sexual, more provocative, more in need of policing than everyone else. Whether that was the pastor’s intent or not, the impact landed heavy.

Black women have long been hypersexualized by society. Our clothes, our bodies, our self-expression are often read through a different lens than those of others. What might be seen as “confidence” or “freedom” on someone else can quickly become “immodesty” or a “red flag” when it’s us. So when messages about morality and appearance are delivered in spaces where those stereotypes already exist, they don’t land in a neutral way—they echo something much older and deeper.

What stood out to me most was what wasn’t said. There was little emphasis on character, kindness, emotional health, communication, or respect—the things that actually make or break a relationship. Instead, the focus fell on how a woman looks and presents herself. And once again, the responsibility for “setting the tone” in dating seemed to rest squarely on women’s bodies.

This isn’t just about one sermon or one moment. It’s about a pattern. It’s about how often Black women are taught, directly or indirectly, that our appearance is a problem to be managed rather than a form of self-expression to be understood.

I believe we can talk about values, boundaries, and healthy relationships without reinforcing old narratives. We can challenge each other to look beyond surface-level judgments and ask deeper questions about who people are, not just how they look.

Because real red flags aren’t found in a hemline or a photo—they show up in how someone treats you, how they respect your boundaries, and how they show up when it actually matters.